It was April 24, 2015, my 26th birthday! I
am a BIG TIME celebrator, so in our house we celebrate everything, from
half-birthdays to half-anniversaries, to just ordinary, random days
that I feel is worth a celebration! My
26th birthday was extra special this year though, because I had a sweet
little peanut growing in my tummy, and I was about to see that little
miracle for the first time at my 8-week OB appointment.
I arrived at the Women's Health Clinic over an hour early because waiting at home was just too painful as I watched my clock tick every second. The lobby was packed with pregnant women of all stages. Some looked so overjoyed, just could not stop smiling and rubbing their tummy to feel that moving miracle growing inside of them, and some looked miserable from being overdue, just ready to pop. I picked a chair and sat down with my 14-month-old, still not losing hope that maybe my doctor would be able to see me just a few minutes early. Ava and I played pat-a-cake, watched a few episodes of Barney, and ate lots of snacks. I remember looking at her and thinking You're about to be a big sister! You two will be best friends. My heart was so full.
"Mrs. Bishop" the nurse finally called. Ava and I quickly hopped out of our chair and headed back. When we stepped in the room, the nurse had me hop on the scale, then checked my vitals and asked a few standard questions about how I was feeling. "I'm feeling good! It's my birthday and I get to see my baby for the first time! I have some bad morning / all-day-long sickness but this is nothing new for me in pregnancy."
I sat back on the exam table and relaxed as I glanced over at the nurse preparing and sterilizing the equipment my doctor would be using for the ultrasound. I started wondering What if it's two babies? How will I react? I have to keep my cool. I can handle two. It's probably just one though. It's definitely just one.
"Hi Mrs. Bishop!" my doctor said as he swung the door open, "It's nice to meet you. My baby's heartbeat. What a beautiful sight. "Just lean back and relax and let's take a look." He positioned the probe and we both looked to the screen. He started nervously moving the probe all around, and my heart sunk before he ever even spoke a word.
"Mrs. Bishop, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but there is no heartbeat.
My heart stopped and my head started spinning, then I began sobbing, as any mother would. I was crying so hard that the nurse had to put Ava back in her stroller. How did this happen? What did I do wrong? This was my fault. My precious baby was gone.
"PLEASE CHECK AGAIN! PLEASE LOOK ONE MORE TIME! PLEASE JUST LOOK!" I fought out, begging for a different exit.
"Mrs. Bishop, your baby is gone. Please get dressed and follow the nurse to my office so we can schedule your D & C." Dilation and curettage (D & C) is a surgical procedure in which the cervix is dilated and a special instrument is used to scrape the uterine lining. The main goal of treatment during or after a miscarriage is to prevent hemorrhaging and / or infection from left behind tissue.
I stumbled into his office, and truthfully I do not even remember how I made it out of the exam room. The doctor dialed my husband's number and handed his office phone to me. "Trey, I miscarried and I need you here now. Right now."
"Okay, it looks like we have an opening for your operation on Monday, April 27. I'll schedule you for 8 AM, but it's sure to come here 45 minutes early for paperwork."
The only words that came out of my mouth in his office were "Is there any way my baby could still be alive? Has it ever happened before?"
"No Mrs. Bishop. It has never happened before. I am 99.9% sure your baby is gone."
My husband helped me get to my car, and I followed him home with the most painful, gut-wrenching emptiness inside of me. I had no idea the anguish one would feel from miscarrying so early in pregnancy.
When I dropped in the driveway, I called my mom and just sobbed- I let it all out. If you know my mom, you know the amazing woman she is, so she immediately hopped in her car and picked up my sweet Rickey B (my stepdad) and they headed to our house in Killeen from Houston (a 3 hour drive). For the rest of the day, this little voice inside of me kept asking: Why am I not showing any signs of miscarriage? Why am I still feeling sick?
I arrived at the Women's Health Clinic over an hour early because waiting at home was just too painful as I watched my clock tick every second. The lobby was packed with pregnant women of all stages. Some looked so overjoyed, just could not stop smiling and rubbing their tummy to feel that moving miracle growing inside of them, and some looked miserable from being overdue, just ready to pop. I picked a chair and sat down with my 14-month-old, still not losing hope that maybe my doctor would be able to see me just a few minutes early. Ava and I played pat-a-cake, watched a few episodes of Barney, and ate lots of snacks. I remember looking at her and thinking You're about to be a big sister! You two will be best friends. My heart was so full.
"Mrs. Bishop" the nurse finally called. Ava and I quickly hopped out of our chair and headed back. When we stepped in the room, the nurse had me hop on the scale, then checked my vitals and asked a few standard questions about how I was feeling. "I'm feeling good! It's my birthday and I get to see my baby for the first time! I have some bad morning / all-day-long sickness but this is nothing new for me in pregnancy."
I sat back on the exam table and relaxed as I glanced over at the nurse preparing and sterilizing the equipment my doctor would be using for the ultrasound. I started wondering What if it's two babies? How will I react? I have to keep my cool. I can handle two. It's probably just one though. It's definitely just one.
"Hi Mrs. Bishop!" my doctor said as he swung the door open, "It's nice to meet you. My baby's heartbeat. What a beautiful sight. "Just lean back and relax and let's take a look." He positioned the probe and we both looked to the screen. He started nervously moving the probe all around, and my heart sunk before he ever even spoke a word.
"Mrs. Bishop, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but there is no heartbeat.
My heart stopped and my head started spinning, then I began sobbing, as any mother would. I was crying so hard that the nurse had to put Ava back in her stroller. How did this happen? What did I do wrong? This was my fault. My precious baby was gone.
"PLEASE CHECK AGAIN! PLEASE LOOK ONE MORE TIME! PLEASE JUST LOOK!" I fought out, begging for a different exit.
"Mrs. Bishop, your baby is gone. Please get dressed and follow the nurse to my office so we can schedule your D & C." Dilation and curettage (D & C) is a surgical procedure in which the cervix is dilated and a special instrument is used to scrape the uterine lining. The main goal of treatment during or after a miscarriage is to prevent hemorrhaging and / or infection from left behind tissue.
I stumbled into his office, and truthfully I do not even remember how I made it out of the exam room. The doctor dialed my husband's number and handed his office phone to me. "Trey, I miscarried and I need you here now. Right now."
"Okay, it looks like we have an opening for your operation on Monday, April 27. I'll schedule you for 8 AM, but it's sure to come here 45 minutes early for paperwork."
The only words that came out of my mouth in his office were "Is there any way my baby could still be alive? Has it ever happened before?"
"No Mrs. Bishop. It has never happened before. I am 99.9% sure your baby is gone."
My husband helped me get to my car, and I followed him home with the most painful, gut-wrenching emptiness inside of me. I had no idea the anguish one would feel from miscarrying so early in pregnancy.
When I dropped in the driveway, I called my mom and just sobbed- I let it all out. If you know my mom, you know the amazing woman she is, so she immediately hopped in her car and picked up my sweet Rickey B (my stepdad) and they headed to our house in Killeen from Houston (a 3 hour drive). For the rest of the day, this little voice inside of me kept asking: Why am I not showing any signs of miscarriage? Why am I still feeling sick?
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